Week 20: You’re Damn Right It’s a Boy!

Going into this maze of confusion, I honestly didn’t have a preference for a boy or a girl. There are life-long trade offs for both, and since it’s our first, who cares? That being said, we had no desire to be one of those couples that waits for the delivery room to find out. To those of you that do that, you’re out of damn mind. If you knew a natural disaster was coming, wouldn’t you want to know if you were planning for a hurricane or an earthquake? You bet your ass you would! Why the hell would you intentionally go into a life changing situation blind? These “waiters” are the same people that drop thousands in Vegas for the rush of losing all your money. I’m too big of a pussy, I want to know now!

Yesterday was our ultrasound appointment, and I’ll be honest, I had no idea what I was looking the entire time I stared at that screen. While the black and white screen danced around, the ultrasound tech kept telling us what we were looking at, and I wanted to call bullshit. How do you know if this blob is a bladder and the other black blob is a pancreaus? But after about an hour of our tech closely examining blobs, she finally flashed a picture that looked familiar…my boy was packing heat! She didn’t really need to say it, because I already knew. And we she said, “Looks like it’s a boy.” I wanted to reply with a  Tim the Tool Man Taylor¹ grunt and say, “You’re god damn right it’s a boy!”

Now that we know he’s a he, I can comfortably disclose the biggest pros and cons of having a boy:

Pros:
1) I don’t have to endure years of girls’ sporting events. As a good father, I would have sat through dance recitals, girls basketball, or whatever else she was into. But I have to say I’m relieved that I can trade in the tu-tu for a baseball glove. Unless my boy wants to be a dancer, and then I’ll be there popping and locking right there with him.

2) I can enjoy his toys just as much as he does. Sorry girls, but tea parties and Barbie’s suck². I want dinosaurs, race cars, and action figures that are designed to beat the shit out of other action figures. The boy toys are a major upgrade, and I’m thrilled that I’ll be able to play with them.

3) I can immediately start teaching the mechanics of a baseball swing. I’m extremely skinny, but I can hit the shit out of a baseball. If all goes according to plan, our little guy is going to be jacked from day one. My perfect mechanics mixed with his freakish strength, and he’s going to hit bombs!

4) I won’t have to shoot any horny little bastards that would have been sniffing around my daughter. This is by far the biggest plus of having a boy. I’ve seen how teenage girls act, and it’s terrifying. And, I was a pretty good kid, and I remember the filthy thoughts I had about girls when I was a shithead teenager. The world is a scary place for a girl’s father. Having a boy probably added years to my life, and saved me from going to prison (presumably for the shooting I just spoke of).

5) We’re going to have a masculine advantage in the household. When there’s a choice between a football game or reality TV, guess who is going to be outnumbered? Granted, my wife will still win every argument, but at least when she overrules me, I can claim that she’s spitting in the face of democracy.

 

Cons:
1) Awkward talks. As the male role model, all uncomfortable talks are on me. Sex, drugs, and why he’s the last kid in his class to have armpit hair³…those subjects are all on me.

 

2)  Increased risk of property damage. I shot, blew up, and burned a whole bunch of shit when I was a kid. Not to mention, I drove like a freaking maniac. I have to assume the same risks will apply with my offspring.

 

3) Little boys are usually turds, little girls are always adorable. While little girls far outweigh the cute factor of little boys, I can happily accept this con because of the benefits that are outweighed by pro #4. Girls are always cute, which is what would have made me worry about her for the rest of my life.

 

 

If he’s anything like me, we’d better start preparing now, because he’s going to be a terror. But I couldn’t be more excited to have a little man running around the house. Just start calling our house Man Town, because the testosterone will be flying high!

 

 

 

 

¹Anyone who claims they didn’t love Tim Taylor in the 90’s is a liar. Home Improvement for life.

 

²I should probably disclose that I used to steal a few of my sister’s toys when I was a kid. Polly Pocket, My Little Pony, and Care Bears were all pretty kick ass girl toys. I also melted one of her Barbies.

 

³At my middle school, if you didn’t have pit hair or Penny Hardaway sneakers, you weren’t shit. I hope I don’t pass along the late bloomer gene to my little guy because I still can’t afford the Penny’s.